What God Hath Joined Together

    What about the wife’s relationship to the husband? Because of the problem of unsaved husbands being married to Christian wives appears to be more serious and prevalent problem today than Christian husbands being married to unsaved wives, we will spend considerably more time with this question.

    The Bible tells us in Ephesians 5:22, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands." Is this submission to be without condition or resonation? Surely, if she respects him and he is worthy of her respect, she would be submissive to him. But what if he turns out to be a scoundrel, a drunkard, a philandering adulterer, or a wife beater? Is she still to be submissive to him? Does she have to live like a doormat for him to walk all over? The Bible speaks about what she is to do while married to such a husband.

    Matthew 18:21-22 applies to her in the same way it applies to her husband:

Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

    If she is a Christian, this passage leaves her no alternative but to forgive again and again as her husband sins against her.

A TYRANT OF A HUSBAND

    God deals more specifically with this problem in I Peter 2 and 3. In I Peter 2:18-24 God deals with the matter of the servant who works for a cruel, ruthless, despotic master:

Servants, be subjected to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the froward. For this thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully. For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God. For even hereunto were ye called; because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps: Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth: Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously: Who his own self bare sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed.

    In these verses God indicates that it is our mission in life to bear patiently the injustices, the revilings, and the abuse of those who rule over us. We are not to revile in return. We are to realize that God has called us to walk in the footsteps of our Lord. We are to realize that God has called us to walk in the footsteps of our Lord. We are to look to Him as our example, and the abuse He endured included His death on the cross.

    In the opening verses of I Peter 3 God ties the admonishments of I Peter 2 to the wife who is married to an unsaved husband. The Bible exhorts in I Peter 3:1-5:

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let if be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands.

    The important word "likewise" in verse 1 ties these verses of Chapter 3 to the instruction given in Chapter 2. Effectively, God is exhorting: "Even as the servant of a cruel master is to patiently endure abuse, so, too, the wife who is married to a cruel husband is to patiently ensure abuse." Verse 1 of Chapter 3 emphasizes that the husband in this case does not obey the Word. That is, he is in rebellion against God. He pays no attention to God’s rules which declare that the husband is to love his wife and forgive her repeatedly.

    The word "likewise" also implies that he, like the master of I Peter 2, may be unjust, cruel, and a tyrant in the home. Human reason might conclude that with this condition in the home, the wife has every right to separate from her husband because no one should have to live under such unhappy, difficult conditions.

    God has a different answer. The word "divorce" is not to be a part of the wife’s vocabulary. She must make it her business to love her husband as God commands. Because God always wants the best for the human race, God’s laws are the only trustworthy rules to follow. God declares she is to be quietly submissive to her difficult husband.

    Two principles are established in I Peter 3:1. The first is that she is not to nag, accuse, or preach to her husband. The second is that she is to be submissive to him.

    The God-honoring inclination of the God-fearing wife of an unsaved husband is to desire his salvation. She earnestly desires his salvation because she knows that is headed for hell; he is under the wrath of God because of his sins.

    She desires his salvation because in the human sense she is embarrassed before her friends and relatives to be married to such a godless husband. Oh,

how happy she would be if he would be a believer like the other christian husbands.

    She desires his salvation because she knows that it would mean her trauma of being married to a difficult tyrant of a husband would come to an end. She knows that if saved, her husband would desire the best for her and show his love to her because a believing husband wants to obey God’s commands to love his wife as Christ loves the eternal church.

    Thus, there is much at stake as she prays for the salvation of her husband. She knows that salvation comes by the Word of God and that she is commanded by God to be a witness. She seeks every possible occasion to share the Gospel with her husband. Certainly, she reasons, her activity is in accord with the will of God.

WITHOUT A WORD

    God says, "No!" If her husband is to be saved, he is to be won without the Word. Why would God teach this apparently impossible program? Does God have one means by which He saves normal unbelievers and another program whereby He saves husbands? That cannot be true. Then why this curious admonition that the wife is to be silent?

    We can begin to understand when we see the special conditions that prevails in the husband-wife relationship. When we bring the Gospel to others, normally they know little about our personal lives. Therefore, all that the unbeliever usually sees is the Gospel itself.

    If a minister preaches from the pulpit, "Thus saith the Lord," while it is a well-known fact that he is living in sin, his preaching will have little power. Those who hear him speak look upon him as a hypocrite. In such a case the elders ought to deal with the pastor, and even seek to remove him from his role of pastor, if necessary.

    Likewise, if we know someone who seems to be an ardent witness of the Gospel, and yet does not live the Gospel, we will not take him seriously. He, too, will be looked upon as a hypocrite.

    An unsaved person may know something about the life of the one witnessing to him, but not everything.

    But a husband knows more than anyone else about his wife’s thinking and actions. He has lived, and may still be living with her, in the most intimate relationship. He is with her when she goes to bed and all through the night. He is with her in the morning before she has had her first cup of coffee. He is with her when she is tense, tired, depressed, or angry.

    Because of the intimacy of marriage, he knows by the way she walks, by the way she looks at him, by the way she greets him when he comes home from work, by the way she puts food on the table, and by countless other mannerisms, whether she is thinking lovingly or resentfully towards him. Therefore, even though she claims to be such a fine Christian, fellowship with other Christians and insisting that

her husband repent from his sins and trust Christ as Savior, her husband knows at often she lives quite differently from the way she preaches to him. He may be convinced that whatever Christianity his wife has, he does not want it. He senses hypocrisy in his wife.

    He may not know that the Bible declares that a saved wife should have an earnest desire to forgive her husband again and again. He may not know that the Bible declares that a saved wife is not to nurse resentful feelings against her husband. He may not know that the Bible exhorts believers to walk patiently. He may not know that the Bible states that the wife’s body belongs to the husband and, therefore, in the bedroom she is to give herself willingly, warmly, and lovingly to him. He may not know that the Bible says that the wife is to submit to her husband in all things lawful. He may not know that his wife is to accept him as her husband without reservation of any kind.

    He senses that his wife’s actions do not measure up to her words. She tells her husband to read the bible, obey God, and be a better husband, but he thinks about the times his wife has reacted to situations just like an unbeliever, and he becomes convinced she is hypocritical. His defenses against the Gospel increase when he senses negative feelings from his wife toward him. He thinks about his wife’s attitude toward him, her resentment, her coldness in the intimacy of the bedroom, her mannerisms and words that suggest strongly that she would be happier without him, and he knows one thing very well: If this is what being saved is all about, he wants no part of it.

    If the husband is doing negative things against the wife, her christian friends will look upon her as a loving child of God who unfortunately is married to a beast of a husband. When she is with her friends, when she talks to other believers, when she attends a fellowship, she appears to be a lovely, devoted wife who dearly loves to do the will of God.

    None of the dear people in the congregation know her as her husband does. They cannot know how cold and resisting she may be in the marriage bed. They cannot know about the resentment she shows toward her husband. Neither can they know the intense frustration of a husband living with a wife who in the most intimate relationship of the marriage does not practice what she preaches.

    Therefore in I Peter 3:1 God admonishes the wife to reach her husband’s heart by silent submission. Let her quietly obey God’s rules without preaching to her husband. Because of the tremendous intimacy that exists between husband and wife, her actions will speak far louder than words.

    The same admonition applies to the saved husband who is married to an unsaved wife. If the saved husband’s intimate lifestyle does not clearly show the fragrance of Christ, his wife will look upon him as a hypocrite. In the intimacy of marriage, the old adage "actions speak louder than words" certainly applies.

GOD GIVES THE RULES

    The believing wife earnestly seeks to practice the principles set forth in Philippians 4:8:

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

    She asks for God’s forgiveness when she thinks resentfully of her husband. When her husband sins against her, no matter how often, she gladly forgives him. No matter how her husband treats her, she tries to convey to him that she is glad she is married to him. She can do this honestly because she realizes that God has fused them into one flesh. She realizes that since they are married, her life will remain intimately involved with her husband until God takes on of them in death.

    The impact of this kind of godly behavior on an unsaved husband is bound to be enormous. Even though he is unsaved, he knows that he is wrong when he mistreats his wife. He sees her continuing faithfulness to him, her quiet submission, her continuing forgiveness, and he will slowly realize that his wife is special. By God’s grace, God may use this awareness to open his spiritual eyes. This is the essence of the teaching of I Peter 3:1.

    Her patient, submissive conduct toward a tyrant of a husband may not be understood by friends and relatives. If they do not understand God’s laws, they might tempt this dear wife by accusing her of being a "doormat" or a "patsy."

    Because she is truly saved, she has within her an earnest desire to do the will of God, which is an integral part of her life. I John 2:3-6 teaches:

And hereby we do know that we know him, if we keep his commandments. He that saith, I know him, and keepeth not his commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But whoso keepeth his word, in him verily is the love of God perfected: hereby know we that we are in him. He that saith he abideth in him ought himself also so to walk, even as he walked.

    The only time she is to disobey her husband is if he asks her to break God’s laws. If he asks her to lie, steal, or engage in sexual activity with someone other than himself, she, of course, must disobey. Such disobedience may bring the husband’s wrath on her; however, if she has been the God-fearing, quietly submissive wife God command her to be, without question her husband’s wrath will be reduced from what it might have been had she not been faithfully obeying God’s rules.

THE WIFE’S SECRET WEAPON

    One area of special concern may arise if her husband forbids her to engage in spiritual activities. God commands in Hebrews 10:25:

Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is, but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.

Should she disobey her husband if he makes such an unreasonable request? Should she disobey him if he forbids her to teach the children the ways of Christ? God commands in Ephesians 6 that children are to be brought up in the ear and nurture of the Lord.

    A direct answer to these questions cannot be given until other factors are considered because actions in the wife’s life sometimes bring about distressing confrontations about fellowship. One big factor concerns the fact that the wife has a weapon she can use against her husband for which he has no defense whatsoever. The confrontation concerning fellowship may be his way of getting even with his wife for using this weapon him.

    What is this powerful weapon? It is a weapon that the wife may wield without any deliberate malice towards her husband, and she might even employ it consciously to put him in his place. It is not a weapon of physical strength. Ordinarily the wife is physically much weaker than her husband in some way. It is the weapon of a lack of submission in the intimacy of the bedroom.

    Suppose a husband is very thoughtless toward his wife. He may be quite cruel toward her. She can show her resentment toward him by reacting with cutting remarks, giving him the silent treatment, or similar treatment accorded to her by her husband. If she truly is saved, she realizes this kind of conduct is altogether rebellious against God.

    Nevertheless, the husband can deal with these types of conduct. He can be more threatening. He can be more vicious in his verbal attacks on his wife. He might even resort to beating her. Since everyone who starts a fight wants to win the fight, the husband, too, wants to win.

    Nothing is resolved by such exchanges between a husband and wife; the marriage is grievously threatened by them, and the husband feels equal to such challenges, insults, and treatment from his wife. Because he normally is physically the stronger of the two, he can feel that in some way he has won.

    In the bedroom the wife has a weapon that can drive the husband wild. Even though he may be a cruel, thoughtless husband, he knows that the greatest joy he has ever experienced is when his wife lovingly gave herself to him in the intimacy of the bedroom. This intimacy is far more important to him than he realizes for God has fused him into one flesh with his wife. Therefore, anything that destroys the joy of that intimacy is a blow to the center of his manhood.

    The problem is that in order to experience the joy and wonder of the marriage bed, his wife needs to have warm and loving thoughts towards her husband, and she finds herself incapable of reacting with loving submission to his advances in the marriage bed. She may try to avoid the marriage bed altogether; or if it looks like it cannot be avoided, she may be cold and unresponsive to his advances.

    Soon she learns that nothing bewilders, hurts, and frustrates her husband more than her lack of loving submission to his advances. Because she cannot win the shouting match nor the test of physical strength, she may opt for

miserable pleasure in the fact that in the bedroom she can be the winner because nothing negative her husband does can force her to change. He can threaten, bully, or beat her, but this only makes his wife even more unresponsive to his advances, and as a result, deepens his frustrations and anger.

    Without realizing it, the wife is laying the groundwork for another day of estrangement, quarreling, silent treatment, or cruelty which the husband uses to try to get even for the tremendous battle he lost in the bedroom. The husband and wife are not rationally thinking about what is happening. They are reacting with the intuition of the sinful tendencies that dwell within them.

    The husband might strike back to even the score. What can he take from his wife that she loves the most? Aha! She is a Christian and always makes a big point of worshipping on the sabbath, or listening to Family Radio, or reading the children Bible stories. He knows how he can really hurt her. He will forbid her to do these things.

    All her christian friends can see is an unregenerate tyrant of a husband who is in rebellion against God. They, of course, do not have the slightest idea of what is going on in the marriage bed.

    Meanwhile, the wife goes about appearing to be a martyr and receiving the sympathies of her friends. She may not realize that her conduct in the marriage bed (as legitimate and logical as it may seem to her), is reprehensible to God. She is violating God’s rule that she is to be in quiet submission to her husband. She is violating God’s rule that she is to continuously forgive her husband. She is violating God’s rule that her body belongs to her husband.

    The weapon of unresponsiveness in the marriage bed should never be used. It will drive the husband into the arms of another woman quicker than anything else. It will serve to destroy the marriage more quickly than anything else because it is tampering with God's design that makes the two one flesh.

    On the other hand, consider the wife who loves the Lord and lives by God's rules Her unsaved husband may begin to wonder, "How can I be married to such a wonderful, forgiving, thoughtful woman?" He may become increasingly embarrassed by his own thoughtlessness and cruelty. So, when she asks if she can attend a worship service on Sunday, he has no reason to deny her. He does not need to get even with her.

    One could ask at this point, "Are you saying that all the problems of marriage begin in the marriage bed?" The answer is that they may not necessarily begin there, but it is there that they can be greatly advanced, and it is there they can to a very high degree be solved.

    The idea of becoming one flesh with one’s spouse embraces much more than the marriage bed, but it is there that it is the most obvious that the two become one flesh. That is why it is one of the most sensitive areas in the marriage relationship.

    When the lady married her husband, she was quite sure she loved him. After the honeymoon was over, and after living with him in the confines and intimacy of the marriage relationship, she found that he had many qualities that she did not like. He made unwise decisions. He was self-centered. He squandered the money that should have been used to buy groceries. He was lazy. He could not

hold a job. She found that all her dreams about a pretty white house with a white picket fence around it would never be realized. Worse than that, he began to run after other women. He even became a drunkard.

    Must she remain married to this man? Is she not entitled to something better than this? Is her entire life to be enslaved to this man who has turned out to be so miserable in many ways?

    The Bible’s answer comes back clear and strong: "What God has joined together, let not man put asunder." The Bible insists that she has been fused into on flesh with this man. He is her husband. He is not just any man. His life is her life and her life is his life. She is to live out her life in quiet submission to him. She is to skillfully and lovingly encourage him. She is to try to help him see his potential. She cannot nag him. She cannot boss him. She cannot threaten him. The ideas of separation or divorce must never even enter her thoughts.

    Again we are reminded of the old marriage form:

I, Jane, take thee, John, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereto I give thee my troth.

    Likewise, the husband at times may feel burdened by the new responsibilities of having a wife. He, too, has left the freedoms of the single state. Now he feels fettered to his wife. He knows he should always care for her and always want the best for her. Consciously or subconsciously, he may have moments when he wishes he did not have the responsibility or a wife. Thus, there will be times of misunderstanding and quarreling, but they have each other, and each one is still number one in the eyes of the other.

    Then the first baby comes. The husband is so proud. Just think – He is the father. And the wife is radiant with the joy being a mother.

    Along with the beautiful baby comes another problem. The wife is "oh, so happy" in her motherhood, but a great amount of her time, energy, and affection must be given to this precious infant. She feels tremendously fulfilled as she showers her love and affection on her baby.

    The husband, too, loves his new baby. But soon, he begins to realize he is no longer number one. The baby has become number one in his wife’s love and affection. If he is mature and responsible, he will understand that there is much more to marriage than just having a loving, submissive wife. One of the most important aspects of marriage is the bringing forth of children, which is God’s method of continuing the human race so that God’s purposes can be worked out on this earth. In other words, two people who marry each other should understand that a major obligation of marriage is the matter of children. Married couples avoid or delay the responsibility of children by the use of birth control devices, but the sinful practice of birth control is not the subject of this study.

    If the husband is immature in the matter of children (and most husbands are, to some degree), the problem can have devastating results in the marriage. He is no longer the center of his wife’s attention. While his wife still loves him and submits herself to his attentions, it seems that she always has the baby on her mind. A competitor is in the house, one who seems to compete for his wife’s affections, and she gladly shares her affections with the little competitor.

    Then the second baby comes. Now the wife’s attention is even further diverted from her husband. The demands of caring for the children, in addition to all of the other domestic responsibilities, leave little energy and concern for the marriage bed. The husband feels more left out than ever. His manhood is being terribly threatened. His wife seems to have become much less responsive to his needs. It seems there is nothing he can do about it.

    Wonderfully, in many marriages the husband recognizes his own selfishness and realizes that he must focus his eyes upon his own responsibilities as a parent rather than on his selfish desires with his wife. In these cases the family ties are strengthened by the arrival of children.

    Unfortunately, in some marriages the husband does not see his selfishness. All he knows is that he has a wife who does not submit to him the way she did when they were first married. He, therefore, begins to withdraw from his wife. He begins to spurn the intimacies of the marriage bed.

    Because his wife is busy loving and caring for the children, she does not always sense the change in her husband. In fact, she may even think that he has

grown somewhat tired of the marriage bed and that he actually welcomes the extended periods during which there is little intimacy. She fails to realize her husband’s pride is being severely damaged and that he is withdrawing because he cannot stand the frustration of having a wife whom he believes is not entirely submissive to him.

    The outcome of this situation is frequently alienation between the husband and the wife. The husband may spend long hours away from the home when he has no compelling reason to be away. He may concentrate his attention on business, hobbies, or friends. Perhaps the time comes when separate bedrooms become a way of life for these unhappy parents.

    In our day, the prevalence of divorce suggests that divorce will be only a little way down the road for such couple. The wife, who loves her children and her husband, does not understand that her child of a husband feels that he must always be number one in his wife’s affections. She does not realize that with the coming of children she needs to demonstrate in a special way that her love and submission to her husband will always come first in her life.

    If a wife sees her husband pouting or acting selfishly, there is a tremendous temptation on her part to feel offended and withdraw from her husband. This kind of action often intensifies the problem. Instead of one person acting sinfully in the marriage relationship, now both are acting sinfully, and sin is always destructive. The outcome of sin is always negative and detrimental to those involved.

    Of course, the husband is no less responsible than the wife to maintain the marriage relationship in a God-glorifying way. Because he is the head of the home, he has a greater responsibility than the wife. Therefore, when he reacts jealously and selfishly in response to his wife’s time and affection for the children, his sin is great. He stands altogether guilty before God.

    What can a wife do who finds that her husband is not as close to her as he was during the early days of their marriage? If she can understand the stress that the coming of children has placed on her immature husband, she can go a long way in correcting the problem.

    Because God has ordained that the husband and wife are to live together in the greatest possible intimacy, the wife who discovers that her husband is beginning to withdraw from that special intimacy should be greatly concerned. Her husband may not admit his frustration or his hurt pride; nevertheless, the wife should make sure that her attentions to her children and domestic duties do not help develop the withdrawal in her childish husband.

    Because the wife finds great fulfillment in being a mother, the intimacies of the marriage bed are usually not as needful in her life as they are in the life of her husband. Therefore, she must be especially alert to withdrawal signs in her husband. Such action on the part of the husband can signal that difficult times are coming for their marriage.

    The wife must realize that it is important for her childish husband to be number one in the marriage relationship. Prayerfully, patiently, tenderly, consistently she should convey to her husband her faithful love for him. Little

gestures, loving looks, a touch, all the things that were important during courtship and the honeymoon should remain in evidence.

    If the estrangement has greatly advanced, it may take time before the husband will sense again the love and devotion his wife has for him. Moreover, because his ardor has become like ice, the wife will need God’s grace to persistently continue her efforts to rekindle desire in his heart.

    We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. It is entirely in agreement with God’s Word for a wife to show her love to her husband. Therefore, as God strengthens her, she is to continue her efforts to show her love to him in every way possible.

GOD’S GRACE IS SUFFICIENT

    We have been looking at a marriage where the tensions have developed to the point that divorce is looming on the horizon. When this situation occurs, the unsaved couple has little help them. Their parents’ desires, peer pressure from friends, or a feeling of responsibility toward their children may help keep the marriage going for a while, but because neither spouse recognizes the authority of the Bible, and because their world is increasingly condones divorce, the reasonable expectation for this marriage is, unfortunately, divorce.

    On the other hand, if one of the spouses is truly a child of God, the expectation for this marriage is much brighter. By God’s grace, if the husband is saved, he can do much to protect the continuation of the marriage by following God’s rules. Likewise, if the wife is a true child of God, she can be very effective in maintaining the continuation of her marriage.

    The task that faces the saved spouse of an unsaved partner who is exceedingly disagreeable to live with is formidable. No individual in his or her own strength can face some of the difficulties that can arise. Only God’s grace can sustain them through stressful situations.

    But God’s grace is sufficient. God has given beautiful and certain promises that can be depended upon. God has promised He will never leave us nor forsake us. God has committed Himself to the principle that all things work together for good for those who love Him (Romans 8:28).

    The believer has the assurance that he can bring all his anxieties to his heavenly Father and receive the peace that passes understanding. He knows that God is able to change the situation overnight. He is quite aware that the difficulties being faced are part of God’s plan for his life.

    In fact, the believing spouse will discover that the continuing problems that arise from being married to an unsaved spouse only cause the believer to trust God more. He will not have the wisdom or the strength in himself to continue in the face of the seemingly mountainous difficulties being faced, but how wonderful to know that all the problems and frustrations can be poured out in prayer to God, who dearly loves His child. With the secure knowledge that God in heaven is still in charge, the child of God can face tomorrow.

    One of the wonders of God’s grace that will grow increasingly clear to the believing spouse is the fact that this earthly life is not "the big picture." We are

here for only a few short years. Our time here is like a drop in the ocean compared with the eternity we will spend in the new heavens and new earth. Therefore, whatever the trauma that must be faced, it will have an end, and following that welcome end is a life in which there is no suffering nor sorrow nor unhappiness.

    The saved spouse needs to be aware that the unsaved is on the way to hell. While he may appear to be "getting away" with his selfishness, he is not. The unsaved spouse is to be pitied to the highest possible degree. If he dies without becoming saved, every one of his sins must be paid for. The payment God demands is eternal damnation. On the other hand, even thought the saved spouse may suffer greatly, the spiritual blessings already enjoyed, along with the certainty of eternity with our Lord, emphasize the fact that the saved spouse has everything on his side.